Passion

if my life
be reduced
to one thing
then let it be

    passion

not love
or hope
charity
or intellect
bit even hateful
or lonely

for I am
all of these
and yet
none of them
if I am not

     passion

          - Stuart K Polzin

I've noticed that since I've been in a relationship, my blog has suffered from neglect.

Saying that, I believe that writing comes from the soul. But I also believe the soul's most influential instigator of expression is despair. Now that I have virtually nothing to complain, bitch, or whine about I have discovered that my life is missing the element of writing. Creativity if you will. Van Gogh did, in fact cut off his ear due to depression and Kurt Cobain wrote most of his hit songs while under the influence of heroin and narcotics.

I need to find a way to remedy this situation without inducing a state of anguish.

Maybe I'm Crazy

I used to think that I was a pretty laid back person. However, within the last 24 hours I have begun to think differently. 

It all started when my male friend decided not to text me for about 6 1/2 hours yesterday. Yes, 6 1/2 hours. I kept count. For the first five hours though, I didn't think much of it. I thought he might be busy, signing up for classes, buying books, visiting with friends, whatever. But when it got to be pretty late at night, my mind started to panic. What if he got in a car wreck? What if he talked to me parents and now he's scared of me?! What if he doesn't like me anymore?! What if, what if, what if...

I'll admit it. I went so far as to call my parents. I called to make sure he didn't call them, that my dad didn't scare him off. But he didn't call. My parents told me to stop being needy. 

For the next hour or so, my mind raced and I became tired and irritated. I asked myself why he might be so selfish as to not text me all day. I thought of scenarios when he had ignored me before and maybe this was just a habit. 

However, at about midnight, he texted me saying goodnight and that he missed me. I felt horrible. I think I need to work on my neediness... 

Maybe I'm crazy. I wish I wasn't. 

"It just... happened."

I never understood what people meant when they said "It just happened."

You know, such as when a friend comes up to you and proclaims that she slept with that kid in biology and is confused as to how the act took place and what caused it. Or when you're watching a sappy chick flick and Sandra Bullock's bestie asks how she fell in love with Brad Pitt overnight and she responds with, "It just... happened."

I can now empathize with this peculiar phenomenon.

What is your tale of woe?

Keep.

Laughs, grins, teeth, lips,

They keep reappearing.

Always cheering,

This sunken face of mine

Never seeming fine. 

Embraces, smiles, a kiss,

Each unique

Constantly cheek to cheek

With it's own way

Of keeping me at bay

Ships, sails, hats, wine,

Leaving, always leaving.

Keeping my lungs heaving

Each tic, becomes a toc

As you march down the dock.

Really?

I consider myself a very "real" person. In fact, the second best compliment I've ever received was from a dear friend my senior year of high school, and he said, "Friend, I think you are the most real person I've ever met." At first, I was slightly confused over my elation simply because usually a woman is not so excited about such a compliment. Usually the ideal is, "You are so pretty," or "You're the most beautiful person I've ever met." However, hearing this gave me more confidence in myself than any flattery I'd ever received.

This little anecdote brings me to my primary query: Why can't people just be real with each other? I mean, yes, there is social protocol, insecurity and hidden fears to tackle, but is masking your emotions better than exposing them to these elements? Is it really better to avoid social embarrassment than to openly accept it? I feel like the answers differ to these questions. However, I believe that in the majority of instances, it is more beneficial to good, strong relationships for truth and acceptance to take the place of lies and superficiality. I admit, I do not always follow this myself, and many times I am over taken by the wave of anxiety that floods my true feelings. However, when the levee breaks.. let's just say you don't want to be present.

Remember, everyone feels the same. That's the way He created us to be. Each one of us possesses insecurities that we attempt to colorfully mask with sarcasm, bitterness or even a gentle smile. Get rid of the mask. I can see right through it.